


I Guess So | Me

by notreally_alive



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Diary/Journal, My Thoughts and Stuff, ain't fun or entertaining, also, okay, wtf is a freeform, yeah - Freeform, you know, you know?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2020-08-23 05:15:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 10,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20237332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notreally_alive/pseuds/notreally_alive
Summary: sorry if i sound like an attention whore;;;i did say i was actually gonna be honest, so i'm just saying what's on my mind, and it'll probably be like this for the other chapters, too, just my thoughts.





	1. 8/13-14/19

8/13/19

good evening <3

-

8/14/19

oKAY new intro!

Hello, everyone! (That's me assuming people read this lmao)

I'm Kat, and i'm gonna write _truthfully_ about my emotions here, unlike I did on my wattpad because i know my irl friends don't know my AO3 acc user and also people don't follow my acc, so I can be a bit more honest (read: a hell of a lot more honest) in my writing about how I feel.

Irl friends, if you somehow found this, please, _please_ don't continue reading.

Some things about me:

~ I hate school, it makes me anxious

~ Insecurities? many, too many, oh boy--

~ I have too many emotions and 100% of them are irrelevant

~ I have two sisters

~ I'm a full-blooded Filipino, but I was born in the south of the US so excuse the overuse of "y'all"

~ I have a wattpad acc, if you want it, then go to the comments. and you can't expose my ao3 acc on wattpad bc i don't want anyone to know about it.

~ I'm only a teen, but I'm a sub/bottom, if you're wondering (but you probably weren't, and I apologize). I'm not suggesting anything, so please don't come at me with sexual stuff

~ I'm a little, but I almost never have time to slip and also can barely actually get myself into the right headspace to relax, so, um, love that for me :)

~ I like being small and treated like I'm small, so if you want to hmu on wattpad (comment for my user), maybe make me feel soft and stuff, I'd love that uwu

~ Most frequently mentioned friends: Erin (my lovely mother and best friend), Cas (athlete lookin-ass lmao i love her), Michelle (my lovely)

\- Other friends/classmates: Marie from newspaper, Melody who treats me softly uwu, Alex the hella cute boi, Michael another hella cute boi, Cleo my son, Alyssa my wild (yes, that's it, just my wild); list will probably grow :')

Okay, that's it. If you read that, great! If you didn't, also great, it's your life, so good job for making your own decisions!

Idk how to outro so um bye bye 


	2. 8/13/19

**8/18/19 (edit)**

**i was in a really bad state of mind the day i wrote this, so um i don't actually mean all this,,,,don't take it seriously lol**

-

8/13/19

i have a this friend. let's call her erin. erin is my best friend, is _the_ best friend, and i love her with all my heart. it's been two years now, since we became friends. i was new to the school, and i didn't know who to talk to, i sat with the wrong group of the people in homeroom, and finally, about two weeks into the school, we started talking and becoming friends.

skip over that school year because we were cringey kids and that summer because it was uneventful.

okay, we're in seventh grade. great,, it feels like summer never happened, and we just came back after a quick weekend. erin and i didn't have the same homeroom, and actually, we only had two classes together, but i'll get to that later.

there are new kids at the school two of them are in my homeroom. one of them is liv and the other is cas. liv was frightening for about the first week, but she's just putting up a front to scare everyone away. she's actually a loveable crackhead. cas is so pretty that basically all the gay/bi/pan girls have a crush on her, no joke. turns out cas is a sweet girl. she likes p!atd and she's nice and a smol gorl lol. sweet person, right? of course, and everyone loves her.

so, that year, our friend group forms: liv, cas, faith, and me. and sometimes other friends, like joseph who's now cas' ex, chaz and hayden who moved after that year and kylee and such people like that. us four were and still are very close. i thought mostly it was paired up still, like we'd all hang out, but it would be liv and cas hanging out with erin and kat. like that kind of thing. not as couples, of course, just friend pairings.

but i begin to see that two people are getting closer (as friends).

cas and erin. they text a lot and they have more classes together and they have more similar interests and cas is prettier and more of an all-rounder and goddamnit.

erin likes cas more than me, doesn't she? cas is prettier, cas is smarter, cas is cuter, smaller, better at drawing, better than me in all aspects and now erin will like her better than me. fuck.

but cas already has liv. why does she need erin, too? cas and liv are like siblings, they argue like them and horseplay like them and get along really well. does she need erin, too?

seventh grade goes by with difficulty and us four stick together. my stupid jealousy grows sometimes, shrinks others. i'm scared that my emotions will get the best of me and distance myself sometimes. and the year goes by okay. and summer is tiring, because turns out liv and cas love hanging out and going out and doing stuff. erin and i are more reserved, erin more so than me, to be honest. and it's okay. summer just came to an end yesterday and eighth grade is just now starting up.

i can already see how it's gonna play out.

cas keeps cuddling up to erin. my and erin's friendship is still thriving, though, we have fun together all the time in the classes we have together.

i have this stupid constantly lingering feeling of jealousy of cas and i hate it so fucking much i want to make it go away. it's the dumbest thing it's the stupidest thing and my feelings are literally irrelevant so why am i posting this idk to get my feelings out and so ao3 doesn't delete it in a month.

so yeah

i'm a selfish jealous little attention whore

what a wonderful way to start off this book and the school year


	3. 8/14/19

8/14/19

OKAYOKAYOKAY Y A L L

i'm rewatching _While You Were Sleeping_ and i just realized that this guy who got killed by his professor (if anyone watched it, they'll know lol) was talking to the son of one of the prosecutors and oml he's so precious and now i'm really sad that he died and mad at the goddamn dumbass professor


	4. 8/16/19

8/16/19

does she hate me?

am i a bad friend to cas?

i don't mean to come off that way. i love cas.

i want her to be happy

am i rude? did i say something wrong?

just tell me, i'll fix it, promise! i promise. i promise, i'll fix it and it'll be all better. please let me fix whatever i did wrong, so it can all be okay.


	5. 8/21/19

8/21/19

**My (Possibly Unpopular?) K-Pop Opinions**

_before you g e t me_, please _read through each one fully_

1\. SNSD

Okay, I'm definitely gonna get got for this one, but I don't really like SNSD all that much..? Like, they're definitely talented and I definitely don't hate them, but something about them just throws me off. BUT my opinion is probably uneducated, because it's mostly based off of what I saw on Knowing Bros (I especially didn't really like how Hyoyeon and Sunny acted for some reason), and it just didn't seem like they had good chemistry and stuff,,, also I've heard stuff about a lot of drama withing the group, which isn't really for me..? Again, my opinion may be uneducated, because I know a lot of girl groups do that "delinquent tough girl" skit on Knowing Bros (like Twice did), so it may have just been that's what they were doing or maybe they just have naturally strong personalities, which would also make sense.

Another thing, I don't really think Taeyeon's voice is anything special...it didn't really interest me, but she is good at singing live and stuff, but her songs and voice just didn't really interest me all that much. It may just be a matter of personal preference, though.

I definitely understand their legacy in K-pop, though, so don't misunderstand me. I don't hate them at all, there's just some things that threw me off about them?

If you want to (politely) educate me about them, feel free to do so! Like I said twice before, my opinion is most likely uneducated, so I'd gladly learn more about them if given the opportunity!

2\. DAY6

I don't think DAY6 isn't getting the promotion they deserve. I'm so fucking happy that they got their first and second win, but I felt like their earlier songs could/should have gotten a win or at least more appreciation. I'm also really excited for their tour (I'm going to their show at Rosemont in Illinois :D), but is it really promotion, though..? Like, they never go on any big variety shows except Weekly Idol,, Is it just me that feels this way? I really hate to say this, and I'm not trying to discredit them in any way (they're my beautiful bias group uwu), but I feel like if they weren't under JYPE, or just a big company in general, they might not be as well known. Anyways, I love DAY6, Dowoon is my baby, Brian is his boyfriend, and **STAN DAY6**.

3\. Big Three Privilege

I've seen some videos talk about this, but I'm gonna talk about it anyways owo

So, um. Big Three Privilege exists. It's a thing. But it doesn't discredit artists' talent or ability. It's just that their groups have the privilege of being more well known. For example, a group debuting under J-Flo Entertainment will most likely be less known than a group debuting under SM, not because the SM group is more talented, but because their company is just more well-known. (Did I use J-Flo just to promote NewKidd? Maybe. Stan NewKidd)

4\. JYP Entertainment

JYP Entertainment is my favorite family and company out of the Big Three and just in general, to be honest. Of course, like all companies, they have their flaws, scandals, mistakes, etc., but I just feel like their artists are all really close, and there's not really a gap between certain generations. JYP just seems the least toxic to me???

5\. Stanning one "part" of K-pop doesn't matter.

Maybe a fan only stans girl groups or they only stan boy groups or maybe it's groups only from 2nd and 3rd Gen or they're a multifandom or they're a solo stan or they only stan solo artists or they only listen to "underrated" artists or they only like the R&B part of Korean music or they only like bands that actually play instruments or WHATEVER. Whatever a fan likes, that's absolutely _great_ for them, I'm glad they know what they like, I'm glad they know what they're doing with your music taste, I'm glad they know what they prefer, that's _amazing_! Great, cool, whoop-dee-fuckin-doo! But just know that it doesn't make them better than any other fan or any more special than another fan. We're all just K-pop fans, so please don't make it a big deal that you only stan a certain part of Korean music, because it doesn't really matter. It's just cool that we have something in common, you know?

6\. If you act terribly towards any other fandom or group you're not in, you're not a real fan. Not just of your favorite group, you're just not a fan in general. (most likely not an unpopular one lol)

"Blinks" that make fun of Tae's grandma dying? Not real fans. "ARMYs" judging other boy groups for "not being as good"? Not real fans. "EXO-Ls" starting fanwars over how EXO is better than other boy groups? Not real fans. "Onces" clowning other girl groups? Not real fans. (Also, I'm not attacking these fandoms, I've just actually seen these "fans" on stan Twitter.)

7\. Cheese Kimbap

OKAY I KNOW THIS ISN'T A BIG DEAL. B U T I found Sana's "cheese kimbap" aegyo thing irritating and not cute at all. It really might just be my competitive Kyunghoon-biased ass wanting his team to win the Whisper Game, but Sana kept jumping around and I got upset oops;;; I also think it's just me being competitive because I found her aegyo in their next Knowing Bros episode really cute :') (the "hmm, I didn't know~") ANYWAYS, I still love Sana (pls love me back oop).

Okay, um, that's it for this chapter owo it's almost half past midnight and I need to do a project at 5am okay thanks stan X1, they're debuting on August 27th Love yall bye uwu


	6. 8/23/19

8/23/19

i haven't been packing a lunch for school for the past few days, since i gained some weight recently. it doesn't have much of an affect on me, i don't think.

but my mom packed me a lunch today. and it was nice and all, but i don't know what to do with it, because i don't want to eat it, but i don't want to throw it away either, because it's a whole-ass burrito, so i'll feel bad. also, i think i need to at least start packing more snacks (which i usually just give to my friends) because i don't wanna become suspicious and my mom ask me why the snacks aren't disappearing and stuff..

sighhhhhhh skipping meals without anyone knowing is fucking difficult. i try to discreetly give my snacks away and then my friends get mad, or i'll try to have a really small breakfast and then my mom yells at me

i know it's because they care (or maybe they're just pitying me or something idk) but i don't think i'm being that unhealthy. it's just skipping a meal, and i usually have a big after-school snack anyways, so it's not like i'm starving myself. i'm not being unhealthy, i'm not.

i just want to lose weight is all.. and like my gym coach said yesterday, while exercising _does_ help you lose weight, it's more in your diet and what you eat. so i try to control my portions, and if i need not have any portions, then so be it.

i actually kinda wanna try a kpop diet;;; somewhat to lose weight, but mostly for experience to see what's healthy and what's not. i took notes on their different diets, and actually tried the banana diet for a few days (eat a banana and drink one cup of water in the morning, and then controlled portions of whatever you want for lunch and dinner) until my stepmom found out what my breakfast was and yelled at me because "it's not enough" but actually, bananas are a good source of fiber and have a little bit of protein in them and they're also very filling. i don't see what the problem is. it gets me through lunch, but she thought i was just eating a banana because i was rushing or whatever, like, what the fuck kind of thinking is that??? i wake up early and have all the time in the world to get ready in the morning, even if i sleep forty minutes past my alarm, i can still eat and get ready in time, and _she knows this, __too_, because she wakes up at the same time as me _every morning_ and she knows that my routine is get ready, eat breakfast, pack lunch (she thinks i do, at least, it's because she spends the morning watering the plants outside and we have a lot of plants), watch youtube/dramas on my computer for the rest of the time. "the rest of the time" is usually over forty minutes, so i really don't get why she thinks it's because i'm "rushing" that i'm eating a small breakfast. i wouldn't rush over something as trivial as that, and god fuckin knows i'm not that excited for school either.

anyways

that's it.

center of the story: i don't wanna eat but idk how to hide it oop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if i sound like an attention whore;;;
> 
> i did say i was actually gonna be honest, so i'm just saying what's on my mind, and it'll probably be like this for the other chapters, too, just my thoughts.


	7. 8/25/19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm bad at concluding my thoughts, so most of the chapters are just going to end abruptly.
> 
> Also I decided to write this chapter after watching that part of the first episode of X1 Flash where they were explaining how their dreams of becoming idols began.

8/25/19

If I'm being honest, growing up, there was never something I was passionate about...I drew and wrote my own stories and stuff and I took different extracurricular activities like ballet (1 year), soccer (1 year), piano (2-4 years), and I was in a few academic clubs at school, too, and I still am.

But most of this stuff was influenced by other people. I drew because I saw that my sisters and my friends liked to draw. I wrote because I saw friends that did it, so I took an interest in it. I took ballet because my cousin used to take dance to the same academy. I took soccer because my sisters did. I did the piano because my mother wanted me to. I'm in these academic clubs because my sisters were and because it makes my parents proud that I made the grades to be able to be in Beta or NJHS or whatever.

And then I found something that no one else in my life had ever influenced me to find. It was K-Pop. I saw "BTS" written in the comments of a webcomic, and I didn't know what it was, so I looked it up and fell in love with their music. It was a slow and extremely rocky start (war flashbacks to my Koreaboo phase two years ago when I first became a fan).

I know it sounds dramatic, but I know on the inside I was glad to have found something on my own, even if that interest had influenced my sisters, I still found it first, I had finally found an aspect of myself that hadn't been influenced by my sisters or my friends or my parents or my teachers or anyone around me. Sure, maybe that person in the comments had caused me to look them up, but it wasn't like, "Oh, they like this, so I'm gonna like it, too," like it was for my other 'things'. It was more like, "I saw it, so I researched, and I found an interest in it." Which, I'm really glad that I did.

Later, as I grew older (and, thankfully, out of my Koreaboo phase), while watching performances and stuff, I began learning choreography. Not all of it, just the hand/arm movements. Eventually, I got onto my feet and tried learning Red Velvet's "Bad Boy". I kept learning and kept learning, but, to be honest, I wasn't getting any better. I would record myself, realize that I'm _not_ doing well and then stop dancing for a few days before getting back to it.

I think the problem was (and still might be) I didn't have a mirror to check if my moves were precise...and I wanted to, but I couldn't. I wanted to go to the rec center in my city because I knew they had dance studios there, but renting costs money that I don't have. So I just keep dancing, doing what seems to feel right, even though I know it's probably not. Actually, I know my friend is better at me than dancing, but I try not to pay attention to that;;;

I found a love for dance through K-Pop. I actually kind of wish I lived in Korea instead, not in a Koreaboo way, but because I know middle schoolers and high schoolers take different after-school academies. They have more opportunities to do the thing that I want to do. I don't like the dance schools that they have where I live. They're all the same, and they're not what I want, which might just be because it's the south. I really do like dancing, though.

Ah, this writing is all over the place, because I can't organize my thoughts heh.. but I just don't know where to add this, because I don't know when it started, but I found myself envying the artists performing on stage. I found myself wanting to go through the process, working hard, practicing hard, even dieting if I needed to, and singing and maybe rapping and just living my life doing music. At some point, I realized that this is what I want for myself. I want to perform like them, I want to dance and sing and be like them.

Anyways, after my sisters came back from college for the summer, they brought back their body length mirrors. It wasn't much, but it was usable, and I properly learned up to the first chorus in "Fancy". I ran out of time to learn the rest since school started, and I also have chores and events with family and friends and such on the weekends;;; Actually, one of my sisters just went back, but she left her mirror here, so I'll use it when I can.

I visit the JYP audition website sometimes. I fill out everything that I can...and then I exit out of it. Because I know it's unrealistic. I can't just up and leave everything behind. I'm still young, I'm still in middle school...but then I see the younger idols like Dohyon in X1 or Jinwoo from Produce X 101. And Boy Story and CoCo, whose youngest members are both younger than me.

Is it stupid? Am I really just a fangirl with lame fantasies?

I don't know, but I just

I feel like this is real. I feel like this is what I want for myself. I want to sing and dance for the rest of my life, no matter how much I have to sacrifice. I want to be like them, I want to become an artist that inspires people like myself to do what they love. I want to perform on stage like Day6, I want to dance and sing like Twice, I want to be like them because they're living their dreams. I know if I don't, I'm gonna live regretting everything and at a dead-end job until I die (dramatic, I know).

Is it stupid?

Is it?

I was thinking...that I want to apply to at least two companies, _just two companies_ before I graduate high school. I know it's a long shot, but I really would like to try. Like I said earlier, thinking about the younger trainees makes me feel inspired, but still sad.. but I remember there are people like Joshua and Jae and Mark (Tuan), who I know went through high school here in the US before leaving to achieve their dreams, and I feel comforted.

Is it stupid?

Am I being stupid?

This is what I want, though. I want to do music. For as long as I live.


	8. 8/26/19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all,,,,how do you unmark a story as complete because it's automatically doing that for me and I don't want it to, because this is n o t complete :') Please send help
> 
> Also, this chapter isn't about anything specific...just putting down my thoughts from today.

8/26/19

**Thoughts I took down in the "Notes" section in the back of my agenda book**

_From Last Week_

If neglected, I will get very upset, like the attention whore I am.

~

_From Today (I replaced some names)_

I should just shut up and not talk because what I have to say isn't important.

Mr. F makes me so nervous...especially after he yelled at Drew. Whenever I go into his classroom, I get shaky and my chest has a weird feeling in it and I'm really scared. **(I now think the correct term to use was anxious, not scared.)**

I'm illiterate and stupid whoo!!! Today? not all that good.

If I was in exceptional, I'd feel stupid for not taking physical science...but I still feel stupid being in physical science because I don't understand anything.

I'm tired of everything

I wanna drop out of newspaper but I don't wanna leave Michelle and there's not really any other class I wanna move to.

-

Another (possibly unpopular?) K-pop opinion: I think Yeji should have been center of Itzy. She just caught my eye more than Ryujin. I don't hate Ryujin and I'm definitely not trying to discredit her in any way because I think she's great, but I just think Yeji was more noticable I guess pleasedon'tattackme??????

-

I keep feeling like an attention whore. All of my friends are suffering in science and all I can do is sit there and feel bad for myself just because I'm having a hard time in there, too. I shouldn't be that important, because my friends are having a hard time with school, too, so I should be able to help them, but I can't and it's stupid _I'm_ stupid. They should come first, not me. They're obviously having a hard time but instead, I end up almost crying in my 6th period class...thank god I don't have class with my friends who are in science with me. In science, Liv, Cas, and Erin are in there, and I'm literally of no help to them. In 6th period, newspaper, I have Michelle, Marie, LJ, and Alyssa. Marie and Michelle noticed something was wrong when I came in, because I have science right before newspaper, and I didn't wanna make them worried, so I said I was okay, but I was too obvious about it...they didn't say anything, but they did try to make me laugh during class, and it worked. I'm glad that they didn't ask, because I might've started crying on the spot lmao,, That also would have been very attention whoreish of me, jesus christ... I feel terrible that I can't help Erin, especially, because she's been having it the hardest lately.

I actually started today feeling really hyped. I was listening to good music on the bus and I was feeling boppin'...so I guess that was the problem...to be honest, whenever I'm having a "good" morning, I don't really expect the rest of my day to go well at all. It's something like, "I used up all my good luck," if that makes sense.

-

More on the topic of luck, now that I think about it, I'm more superstitious than I thought I was. It's not really I believe in _so many_ superstitions, but if I do believe in it, I believe in it _very strongly_. I have 3-5 that I'm really stuck on and if someone does it, I get really upset.

First, don't open umbrellas indoors. This is probably my worst one. Like, it's understandable if you're opening it and going outside right after, but don't open it indoors and then just hold it. As a kid, my mom told me that snakes would come out of my skin or the umbrella or the floor or something if I did that, so I never did it. Of course, I don't believe the snakes thing now, but it still just makes me really uneasy when someone opens an umbrella indoors, so I don't do it and I don't allow anyone else to do it, either.

Second, don't walk under ladders. Okay, if you walk under a ladder, you're really, _really_ just asking for it. Not in terms of bad luck, but in terms of that ladder really could fall or you could knock it down and hurt the person on it or something like that. But, in terms of bad luck, it also makes me uneasy. I don't like it, so just...don't do that lol.

Third, don't pay someone back money after dark. Sometime last year, I tried paying my stepmom back some money and she said to give it to her tomorrow and I asked her why and she said "Not at night, it's bad luck." That one also just stuck for some reason. Also, paying back money after dark just seems overall ominous in a way, too.

Fourth, omens. I always think that events mean something. So, let's say something weird (in a bad way) happened a week before school. Then, I think, "What if this is a bad sign that my school year won't be good?" It's stuff like that. Or if something of good luck happens before exams, then I believe it could go two ways: I used up all my good luck OR it's a good sign for how my exams will go.

These are just a few things I believe in for luck...some people don't believe in these things and playfully tease me about them by doing them and I'll tell them it's bad luck and that is _exactly why_ they continue to do that dsjkdjsk. Anyways, I don't get mad if someone does these things, but I do get a bad feeling for a short time.

-

I just spent my time writing on my irrelevant thoughts and superstitions instead of doing my homework I'm--

Okay :')


	9. 8/29/19

8/29/19

Hello! Today was actually a pretty good day for me :) I got work done and I'm doing decent-ish in my classes. Since it was a good day, I didn't really write anything in my notebook, but I'd still like to share what I wrote yesterday, because yesterday was a pretty crappy day.

-

8/28 _(__yesterday)_

Should I just shut up? Is what I'm saying not important? It is unimportant. I don't matter. I'm irrelevant. Fucking stupid idiot, can't even write correctly

It's always embarrassing when you fail something that everyone else made a good grade on...Cas and I both read the same thing, but I was the only one that got a retake sheet for it. Am I just stupid? I thought I did well and I got a 75, barely a passing grade, how did I do that? Am I just stupid? That means I missed five questions. It's so embarrassing to have to retake a quiz that most of the classed passed **(it would be more accurate for me to say got a good grade on)**, that my friends passed. I hate that feeling of embarrassment. She's gonna call my name soon, too. I hate that feeling of my face and neck getting warm and having to get up and get the sheet. I hate it, it's so terrible. It's so fucking embarrassing. Everyone's gonna ask me what I got and I'm gonna have to avoid it and they'll just think "wow, she's stupid, she probably got a really low score." If I keep getting these grades, I'm not gonna get honors classes in high school and it's gonna be even more embarrassing because "I guess she couldn't handle the pressure" and "She probably isn't as smart as she looks" and "Really? Kat didn't get honors classes?!" and people talk and talk and talk and I hate it. I'm supposed to be working on my literary terms right now, but instead, I'm writing about my stupid feelings. I hope no one finds this, Jesus... I only "joke" about my depleting mental health, so if someone finds this...

I feel out of place a lot of the time...

While doing homework, I often get the feeling of my time wasting away. I wish I could spend my time as my time and school time as school time, but that's unfortunately not the case. "School time" just feels like it goes on all day. And teachers say that their homework isn't hard, and, to be honest, it's not. It's just the feeling of dread that comes along with homework outweighs the easiness of it. And sometimes I think that teachers may forget that we have other classes. Not all the time, but sometimes. So, while their homework may not be difficult. it may just be that it's adding to the already large work load on our backs, so it makes it feel more difficult than it actually is.

I'm an idiot who can't help her friends or herself

-

Like I said, it wasn't a good day, but today was better, it really was. I even got most of my newspaper article done, and I haven't worked on that all week. And the homework for tonight isn't all that much, compared to my other days. Just an objective summary, conclude my newspaper article and send it to my teacher, some review math homework, and studying for my history test. I'm so glad that the workload isn't too much for today.

I was feeling some...insecurity and jealousy again today, but it was minor. As long as I don't focus on it, it doesn't exist, right? :)

Besides, I felt better after hanging out with Michelle in my newspaper class at the end of the day.

I think that's all for today uwu


	10. 9/4/19

9/4/19

_i wrote these last night,, and i took a sentence out from the original, but that's because it wasn't good_

~

i can’t get kicked out of physical science. 

do you know how embarrassing it would be?

the teachers are always talking about how “it’s fine to not be in that class” and how “it’ll happen” but it’s stupid because they’re not putting themselves in our shoes. i know for a fucking fact that majority of the teachers _know_ how the students gossip. how things go around, how people _talk_. they talk and they talk and they talk about how “she wasn’t smart enough” and how “she couldn’t handle the pressure” and they just keep talking and talking

i hate it i hate everything i just want this year to end already how could everything be so stressful already it’s only the fourth week of school

-

_it’s stupid_, but i can relate to jungkook in that one fanfic that i always have saved onto my computer.

he has to try to not be selfish. his bandmates are seemingly going through a more difficult time than him and all he feels like can do is internalize his thoughts and feelings until one day he just breaks. he breaks down in their living room in the middle of the night, and namjoon finds him and helps him.

that’s the difference.

he gets help. he gets better.

and all i’m doing is sitting around and failing my classes and acting like everything is just fucking peachy. sure, i make the same sarcastic jokes about “haha mental breakdown” “haha i cried last night” but it’s always the same thing. i say something and it gets disregarded because _it’s not important_, **_i’m_**_ not important_.

and _fuck_. it’s fucking difficult. i’m exhausted all the time and i don’t want to get up and fucking go to school, all i want to do is lay down and die every single morning.

but i can't.

it’s liv who needs professional help.

it’s cas that needs a shoulder to cry on.

it’s erin that needs a friend to help her cope.

not me.

it’ll never be me, it _can_ never be me.

and fuck it’s so embarrassing. i had to have faith basically fucking tutor me after school today. i hate it, i hate it so much. i’m glad that she took the time to help me, but it’s so embarrassing. it’s so fucking embarrassing. i’m falling behind,, behind behind behind i keep falling behind everyone in everything. even if i joined fucking exceptional, i wouldn’t know what the fuck they were talking about either. it’s all so embarrassing. it’s all so fucking embarrassing…

i keep thinking “i just want, i just want” but _i don’t fucking know what i want_. i _want_ to get out of this hellhole, i _want_ to die, i _want_ to

i don’t know what i want.

i want to pass my classes

i want this year to be over

i need to

i need

fuck i want to tell myself that i need to suck it up and deal with it but i can’t. i can’t fucking think, i can’t fucking “deal with it” i can’t fucking

i can’t

i can’t put my mind into words.

i don’t understand, writing always helps, but i just can’t _think correctly_.

my whole body feels like it’s slowly collapsing.

and it feels like i’m trying to delay it, but nothing’s _working_ my brain isn’t functioning and my limbs feel like they’re about to fucking fall off for no reason, i don’t understand i don’t fucking understand

fuck faith isn’t even answering my texts, i’m probably bothering her, and today probably _wasn’t_ good and she probably hates me

-

i’m never gonna be absent again

this is _stupid_ why can’t i catch up, i literally only missed one class

-

i wish i could stop crying every night.

my eyes get so swollen the next day, and it does not spark joy dsjdks

-

sometimes i think i should just ask to drop out of physical science, but how pathetic would that be?

-

falling behind falling behind all i’m doing is falling behind everyone else

~

_today_

"Hug" by Seventeen always makes me cry.

I want someone to hug me.

Hug me and tell me not to worry, tell me not to be sorry, tell me not to be scared, tell me not to cry, tell me that i'm doing well, tell me that they're there for me, tell me that they love me, tell me that they understand.

f o o k i'm crying again, and i have to leave for the bus in half an hour that's f r i g h t e n i n g i really hope my eyes aren't red

i'll probably have enough time for them to go back to normal.


	11. 9/4/19 #2

9/4/19

_Journal from today~_

I'm gonna get kicked out because I didn't do the learning activities for the retake and now I'm just gonna have a 70 in the grade book even though I only had a night to do the learning activities while everyone else had fucking four days because I was absent for that one class and I literally don't know how to ask for things so now I'm gonna get kicked out, great :) This is dumb, I'm dumb. This class made me lose all self-confidence I had in myself about science. I feel like I did better on this test, but at the same time, I really, really don't because I felt that way the last time and look where that got me. (Hint: not with a good grade)

<insert portfolio sketch here>

I literally don't understand how Mr. F's class works.

Literally in all the dramas, the guy willingly cuddles his gf in public, but we know these American boys aren't gonna be soft in front of the boys.

Also, I think Alex **(Context: super cute boi in all of my classes except my last one)** thinks I'm weird, so, um, love that for me. He did laugh when I yelled "I agree" in Mrs. G's class today **(More Context: i am usually more energetic after lunch, and Mrs. G's class is my lunch period)**, so there's that lol. I don't have a crush on him, but also, cute boy thinking you're weird doesn't spark joy lmao

-

So, yeah, today was pretty uneventful, I think. I was feeling pretty shitty throughout the whole day because last night was so bad, but I just smiled through it again lol. At the very least, I gave out stickers and got affection and cuddles from Alyssa in newspaper. And some more good news: I'm gonna be a managing editor in newspaper with Michelle! Aka, I don't have to write articles every single week and I work on managing our newspaper website. And we're the only managing editors, too uwu. More good news: I think my portfolio in art class is going well so far :)

I think that's all :P


	12. 9/5/19

9/5/19

So, um, today was pretty okay until it wasn't, you know?

I was having an okay time. My son (not actual son of course lmao) has a crush and it makes me uwu but also the boy he likes is indeed very cute and nerdy and he's my friend and I approve but the only thing is that he might be straight, so I hope he doesn't, like, break my son's heart oop

Anyways, um, like I said, it was pretty okay until it wasn't??

I have a C in newspaper right now, because Michelle, Marie, and I didn't finish these practice article things, and, um, yeah. Somehow Marie has an A in that class, but I don't really care lol. It's just that I think Michelle is mad at me now..? Um, she seemed kind of upset at me. And I felt bad. But I didn't know if I was supposed to feel bad? But I did.

The thing is that we were supposed to write three practice "articles", which were really just paragraphs.. But I had a lot of work for science and algebra at the time and I was kind of really upset that week, so I finished one in class and I was supposed to do the other two that night, but I only did one, so we ended up with an F for that assignment. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but it kinda felt like I was doing all the work..? Like, I was the one writing everything down, and Michelle and Marie were just kinda playing around during class with my other son (read: dumbass), LJ, while also thanking me for doing the articles. Maybe it was just me..

That's why I didn't know if I should feel bad or not...I mean, I still _do_ feel bad, but still. It probably was my fault, anyways, I should've just gotten it done, even if I was tired. Anyways, I think she was mad at me.

Since that was going on, I was gonna see if I could text Erin after class during dismissal since it was my last class, so I just texted her "m o t h e r" so I could kinda transition smoothly into a conversation with her about it, but she replied that she had a really bad headache and that the people on her bus were being stupid and immature, and I felt bad, so I didn't say anything about what happened.

After that, I just got onto the bus and didn't talk to anyone. Again lmao. I don't really talk to anyone on the bus unless I'm in a good mood, because Liv rides my bus, but, obviously, I wasn't, so I just kept my headphones in and shut up.

I just feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to. Everybody's going through their own thing, so why should I bother them with my bullshit? Erin is busy and overworks herself, Cas is struggling with her self-esteem, and Liv has her mental health to worry about, especially since she was at a shooting and was less than ten feet away from the shooter. There's no one else I'm "comfortable" talking to my problems about.

Yeah, I keep my problems to myself, so what? They're not doing anything but piling up anyways. As long as no one knows, nothing's happening. And I'll be fine.


	13. 9/9/19

9/9/19

I'm a loud dumbass :')

For some reason, I decided to be louder than normal during science class, and so I was "yelling" (not really, just saying at a volume to where some people around could hear, but not everyone) random jokes or whatever, and Mr. F forgot Alex's name (who I think I've mentioned??? he's a cute boi in 5/6 of my classes), so he was kinda staring and was doing the "Don't tell me" teacher thing and I said "loudly" (again, not _really_, but kinda) "c u t e b o i". My friends at my table heard, which I don't really care because it's just Cas, Liv, and Erin, but Cas' ex, Joseph, who I'm currently on ambiguous terms between friend and not friend, fucking heard me and clowned me about it on the bus, and now I can't stop thinking about if other people heard me bECAUSE I WAS APPARENTLY LOUD ENOUGH FOR HIM TO HEAR DAMMIT FOOK I'm gonna die :')

Again, I don't have a crush on Alex, I just think he's really soft and attractive. I have another guy friend like that, too. His name in here will be Michael, and he is indeed very attractive. Erin and I told him so multiple times. Alex and I aren't that close yet, I only occasionally joke with him and make awkward eye contact with him, but I want to be friends with him :( Not even just because he's good-looking, but because I think he'd be a sweet boi to be friends with and joke around with, like Michael. But I think Alex knows I think he's attractive, so I have a feeling he thinks I wanna be friends with him because of that, or because I like him or whatever, but I really don't, and it's sad :')

If Alex or Michael asked me out, I'd only say yes if I actually liked them. I feel like they'd be good boyfriends, though uwu Also, Erin, Melody, Cas, and I low-key ship Alex and Michael anyways :')

ALSO, Michael is the boy that my son, Cleo, likes :') Michael is in a very Christian family and very "straight", which is unfortunate for Cleo :( Erin told me that Michael's mother is a Republican, too, but it's okay because she doesn't let it affect her view of the world. It's just his grandma, because she controls his house, despite her not even living there. Michael is really open-minded, too, and I fucking love him :')

<Kat doesn't know how to do endings lmao>


	14. 9/10/19

9/10/19

I think I got closer to Alex today??? Maybe???? I don't know if I would say "closer", but we talked, so that's a start for being friends :D

It was at the end of fourth period and Melody, Alyssa, Michael, Cas, and I were all joking about how Alex and Michael and Melody were in a love triangle and that Hayden cheated on Alex and stuff, but oop plot twist, Melody "likes" both of them lmao and I was laughing along with them and we were all just joking and Alyssa asked Melody if she actually liked them and she said no, and then Alyssa asked me if I liked Alex, and I said, "No, but I like his face" and he said thank you and we both laughed uwu Alex also revealed that he's 80% straight o o p --

yeah :') fourth period was really good, today


	15. 9/15/19

9/15/19

I think music makes everything better.

No matter what I'm doing, what mood I'm in, what time it is, I'm either considering listening to music, or I actually am listening to music.

It's always been a part of me, I guess. Even if it was small, like listening to songs in the car with my family, or singing along with my sister when she was practicing for the talent show when she was in fifth grade. It's just always been there. There with my three or four years of piano lessons, there with my one year of dance, there when I'm feeling sad, there when I'm feeling anxious, there when I'm feeling hyped up, there when I'm working, it's always been there for me. To be honest, I've relied on it more than I've relied on any person, especially as I transitioned from elementary school to middle school.

Music for some people seems to be a hobby or something they can make money off of. There's nothing wrong with that, but I like the people who like music as their passion and who want to do something with it for the rest of their lives. I like those people, because they're like me, they love music in the same way, even if how they go about it is different.

Music, whether I make money off of it or not, is some sort of escape for me (as dramatic as it sounds). My friends have their escapes, as well,, for majority of the m, it's drawing, and painting, and all the artsy fartsy stuff. And I like art, I really do. But music is just different, I guess lmao (haha she's DEeP owo).

When bad feelings start bubbling up, I usually put my headphones in and blast my music. Of course, I choose different songs for different moods, but still. I just think it's big help for blocking out invasive thoughts. And invasive dumbass kids on the bus. (Actually, I lost my headphones before school on Friday, and I cried on the bus in the morning because everyone was loud and the bus driver was blasting the dumbass radio again. Fun times. No one noticed, though, thank god.)

I really like listening to music when I'm hype, too. Good jambsTM are the best for keeping my mood hype and not letting it suddenly drop.

I could never, ever get tired of music. Ever.

I just really like music uwu

-

Some of my favorite songs are in [this playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOB_FAt1YJtoOUmqlHEnNEc3DSyxwfnLm) (all English, no Korean). If you guys want some of my favorite Korean songs, just let me know uwu

Also, I take song recommendations, so if you have a good song, hit me up :P


	16. 9/18/19

9/18/19

I wanted to slip when I got home, but I have to fold my laundry and I'm sad about that :( I just wanted to be soft today, but I have to "act my age" now :(

*continues to fold laundry with paci in*


	17. 9/20/19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this??? is a whole mess :')

9/20/19

OKAY SO--

i know i said i don't have a crush on alex.

i don't!

i don't.

i'm not catching feelings for alex, i swear.

maybe just a little bit?????

ugh _i don't know_.

i already said he's really cute, i already said that.

but also he's really nice and he's really funny. after fitness tests in gym today, cas, erin, liv, grace and i hung out with him and david in the bleachers for the rest of class. we just hung out and did stupid stuff at the bleachers and whatever and idk i just think he's idk really cute and sweet??????

is this bad?????

to be honest, i don't know where michelle and i's relationship is, though. we broke up over the summer, but idk. i want to ask her, but i don't want to make things awkward. i don't think we're together anymore, but i just don't want to assume anything because we've always been really ambiguous.

i just,, i think i like alex.

i don't think i talk to him enough to call him my close friend, but we're somewhat friends, i think???????? i hope

but goddamn it i keep thinking about him when i'm not seeing him. and talking to him just seems like the best thing in the world, i could talk with him all day. when i see him, i blush, and when he does stupid things, i think its the cutest fucking shit out there. i really like seeing him laugh, and i love it when i'm the cause. his voice isn't the deepest, and i find it adorable. i just wanna run my hands through his hair and kiss him all over and cuddle him all day. and i want to hold his hand in the hallways because we have all of our classes together and i wanna email him in class during sixth period because that's the one that we don't have together

fuck i'm so head over heels for him.

fuck

i can't do this

fuck

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

fuck i don't know if i can do this

do i like him?

i think i do

fuck

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

fuck he's so cute and i don't know what to do

fuck i think i like him

also i've liked maybe four or five people in my life, not including alex, and only one of them i dated, which was michelle (another liked me back, but he also liked this other bitch, and they dated and broke up two years ago)

ugh fuck i'm gonna _die_

now i _really_ hope none of my friends read this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "oh no~ i think i'm catching feelings..."


	18. 9/25/19

9/25/19

bITCH ASS OH MY G O D

alex

ALEX LIKES ME BACK, HE LIKES ME BACK DJASDSAKLDJLFASNFHS

ERIN TEXTED HIM AND SAID, "Hey this is Erin. For no particular reason, do you like Kat?" AND HE SAID, "I do but like i don't want to be awkward" AND I'M LIKE BRO YOU THE CUTEST, BE AS AWKWARD AS YOU WANT BRO

FDKLFJKASDLSNIL


	19. 9/26/19

9/26/19

BITCHASS

i finally decided to grow a pair and text him, and you know what he does after texting me back _once_?

he leaves me on fUCKING READ OH MY GOD

cas said maybe he just didn't know what to say and to just shake it off for now, and i told her i'll try but sis knows she can't :')

being left on read could mean a shit ton of different things that all give me anxiety :')

it could be that he doesn't like me or that he doesn't wanna text me or that he thinks i'm irritating or that he maybe hates me and he tells his friends all about it or he thinks i'm weird _and he tells his friends all about it_ or he thinks i'm irritating _and he tells his friends all about it_

or

it really could be that he doesn't know what to say

BUT WE'LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

BECAUSE HE F U C K I N G N E V E R R E P L I E D

and now i'll have to face him at school and try to not make eye contact with him because i'm embarrassed :')

and it's fucking stupid because i should be thinking "he'd never tell his friends and be mean like that, right?" but bitchass my anxiety is going through the roof, because i've never felt this way before???????? and it's so difficult and i hate it but i love it and i don't know what to do because u g h

and, of course, i don't tell my friends this

they know i like him, but they don't know that my anxiety is going up because of STUPID ALEX GOD DAMN IT HE'S HOT AND HE'S GIVING ME ANXIETY I SWEAR TO GOD and i don't want to tell them because they already have to hear about it during school enough and it'd be stupid if i fucking bothered them outside of school about my dumbass boy problems oh god


	20. 9/28/19

9/28/19

"I just wanna make you feel okay...

But all you do it look the other way..."

\- Billie Eilish


	21. 9/29/19

9/29/19

so erin and i slept over at cas' place last night (liv was there, but she left early) and after erin went to sleep, like the mother that she is, cas and i were emailing michael on our phones (emailing, because his _very_ conservative christian parents and grandmother don't allow him to text gorls). and during that time, he was also emailing me and fake-flirting with me so i could practice talking to alex, and you know what, michael is a big-ass nerd, but i love him, and he actually knows more about flirting than i thought he did :')


	22. 10/8/19

10/8/19

i couldn't show it

but i felt like an idiot

i still do

and now i'm breaking down

cas, i'm tired of hearing you complain about things you could have prevented. i don't feel bad for you, and i won't help you because you could have prevented these things by actually being organized for once. how you're acting is how i acted two years ago, and then i got my shit together, and you should too.

liv, i'm tired of hearing you complain about your family problems when you could at least try to cooperate with them, but you're correlating past experiences with what you're experiencing now, which you shouldn't do, because they're not related in any way. the sentence i hear from you a lot is "i can't help it." think about that.

erin, i'm sorry for being a bullshit friend

i hate myself so fucking much jesus christ

i'm done with my friends, except erin, and i'm done with myself being a bullshit human being

:)


	23. 10/10/19

10/10/19

i gOT HUGS BITCHASS DSKDJSKDKL

so, STORY:

we had a picnic fundraiser today, where you had to bring a dollar to eat outside during lunch, and last night, i texted alex and asked him if he was going to the picnic and he said yes so i told him that i was too (bc i was going to anyways). i was kinda excited, because i was thinking maybe we could sit together with our friends, too?

so, i went outside and sat down with my friends and michael was out there, too, but he was sitting with the girl he liked and i was like "ayee"

but alex wasn't there, and i asked michael where he was, and turns out he stayed in with fucking spencer to keep him company because spencer didn't bring his a frickin dollar, which, i was like _yeahsureit'sfinewhatevercoolcoolgreat_ and i probably looked stupid being all sulky when we got back to the classroom but after class was over, he said that he was sorry and asked if he could have a hug and so we hugged and djsakldjk

idkkkkk he's so sweet :( and hella awkward, too, erin was talking to him in gym yesterday and she said he was like "hngg urgghghgh i don't know" and i love that cuz me too :')

but

i'm also scared that i keep talking to my friends about him too much

and also i think i'm becoming _mean_ :( i keep talking about people and then i'll be fake to them and i don't know why i'm like this, but i don't like it :( i'm gonna try to stop :(

also, my science teacher told our class that he thought people were cheating and stuff and so he said he wasn't gonna call anyone out, but he said people should go to him if they think that he thinks they cheated and i'm really really really nervous, because he said there were people who would get things right even though they didn't watch the video he made and they would have virtually no work on their paper, and to be honest, i didn't watch the video and i don't know if i got it right and i'm _scared_ because i don't want to get kicked out because he said if we didn't go to him first and he had to contact us himself tomorrow, then he and the vice principal might consider kicking us out because he said there was one more person that he thought cheated and also had virtually no work on their paper, so i don't think it's me because i showed all my work but i'm still _really really really scared_ because he was gonna get mad if i go to him and tell him i didn't watch the video but also i don't want him to think i cheated and _fuck_ i really didn't see the video on there, i missed it because i was just focused on getting the work done, and now he might get mad at me again and i hate it when he's fucking mad at me because i tjust makes me feel fucking bad and embarrassed and _i didn't fucking cheat and yeah i didn't watch the video, but that was it_ i'm so scared


	24. 10/22/19

10/22/19

my oldest sister called me and said she got seventeen tickets and i'm super happy for her but i'm also extremely jealous because their concerts are always hype and i really wanna go see them :((

it also might just be that i'm not uses to her going to a kpop concert without me because she's only been to one without me and it was for winner, who i don't really follow,, otherwise, we always go together because it's always groups we really like and i also really like seventeen

idk,

i'm just

sad

ig :(

i've been sad about something else, too but that's just same old same old stupid crush stuff

anyways, i was gonna post abt this on my wattpad message board, but i remembered that my sister follows memom wattpad, so i couldn't :/

bye ig lol ily


	25. 12/6/19

12/6/19

so

hi

i haven't been writing here for over a month. sorry about that;;

i'm writing here because there's stuff that i need to say here instead of wattpad because the person i'm writing about can see it there.

so um

remember alex? the guy i've been crushing on since september?

yeah, well,,he likes cas

cas is dating michael now, btw. i've made him my honorary older brother because he's the closest thing i've got to one.

but yeah.

i found out today from my friend aj. alyssa, who's best friends with alex, told her that she didn't wanna hurt my feelings.

that happened


End file.
